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WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ horn honking ] [ children laughing honking continues ] [ brakes squeaking horn honking ] you know, when I was a kid playing street hockey and a car came along, we cleared out. We didn't want to feel guilty about holding up traffic. Kids today don't feel guilty about anything. [ honking horn ] I blame the young offenders act. But you know, there is something you can do. All you need is a goalie stick and an old hockey net and a little bit of duct tape -- of course, that goes without saying, but I like to say it. And oh, yeah, you gotta customize the hockey stuff a little bit. [ children playing, horn honking ] [ screaming ] [ applause ] [ cheering and applause ] all right. Easy, simba. Yeah, thank you very much. Appreciate that. Got a bit of a problem at the lodge this week. Everybody's been using stuff and not replacing it. We're running out of junk. You can't have a life without junk. I'm talking about a certain kind of junk, and a certain kind of life. Hey, red, where's all the oil drums? Well, I locked 'em up, eh. It's a sad case when you gotta throw a padlock around your trash, isn't it? C'mon, red. I just need one. I wanna put all these promotional flyers in it. Well, just throw them in the garbage can like everybody else does. You don't understand. I'm gonna throw 'em out of an airplane. Well, you don't need an oil drum for that. Just fire 'em out the window. Oh, no. They'd spread too far and then I'm gonna get calls from the next county. Here's what I'm gonna do... I'm gonna put an inner tube around the oil drum, right, and put a bunch of leaflets in there. And then I throw the whole thing out when we're flying right over possum lake; you know, where it's safe to drop the drum. Right, yeah. As it falls, the flyers will waft on a gentle breeze and land on the property of all my potential customers. What do you think of that? I think sewage fumes are bad for the human brain. So can I have the oil drum? Oh, sure you can. I just need a security deposit. Okay, tell you what, you can use the septic truck for the weekend. Oh, I don't think so, no. I'll throw in the hard hat and the waders, but not the bow tie. I don't think so, no. You know, you're standing in the way of the entrepreneurial spirit of this country! That stinks. Oh, man. Your attitude sucks! Well, your truck does both of those. [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheering and applause ] today -- playing today is our local funeral director, mr brian jacobs. [ whistling and applause ] brian's going to be playing for a really big piece of delicious salt cod, which can also be a beautiful scented wall hanging, or a water-resistant roof patch. Uh, cover your ears, mr jacobs. Mr green, you've got 30 seconds to get mr jacobs to say this word... Yeah, all right, mike. And go! All right, brian, this is a word you hear a lot in the funeral business. Stiff. No, no. Creepy? Um, okay, the people that you work on, what kind of condition are they in? Not good. Yeah, I know. I'm lookin' for one word, brian. Lethargic. Lethargic? They're diseased, aren't they? Oh, they have to be, red. It's the law. Uh, we're almost outta time, mr green. Yeah, okay, remember last week, there was a guy who passed away unexpectedly? He had a something accident. Ceiling fan. It hit him at a high speed. We got him, he was 5'11". But we managed to piece him together to 6'4" again. No, okay, so that was a ... Accident. Oh, that was no accident. Oh, nobody walks into a ceiling fan. His ex-girlfriend set him up. She snuck in and laid down a thicker rug. You know, that's a good lesson. Never let your fans get too close. She was a murderer. A regular femme fatale. There we go! [ cheering and applause ] you know, once in a while somebody sends an idea into us that's so ridiculous you'd think we thought of it ourselves. Today's handyman project comes from a guy in lakeside, oregon, named david savage. I think we should all be glad that david decided to use his mind for good rather than evil. In fact, david even included a set of detailed instructions. Thanks a lot, dave. I'm sure you've all seen those glass elevators they have on the outside of hotels and tourist attractions and nudist camps. Well, today I'm gonna show you how you can put a glass elevator on the outside of your own home. [ laughter ] get yourself a phone booth. You back your pick-up truck at the right speed and the right angle to one of these babies, it'll just jump right in there. I suppose you could buy one from the phone company, but they're pretty pricey, so you might want to reverse the charges. So basically, this here is my glass elevator. Now all I gotta do is attach the ballast mechanism. I've mounted a couple of valves on here. Just gonna attach my garden hose to one of 'em. This is my intake valve, see? When I open that up, the water goes through comes up another hose, which comes all around here, all the way over here, and fills up this hot water tank. The more water goes in, the heavier she gets. It's a 50-gallon tank, water weighs ten pounds a gallon, so when she's full, she weighs... Moose thompson. Oh, here's another tip, you wanna drill a hole in the top of the tank to let the air come out. I would say go with an electric drill with a half-inch chuck on there and a 3/8 metal bit. Or whatever. Okay, I'm also gonna need another hose to let the water come out. See, this one comes out here, eh. Comes all the way over here and hooks up here. This is my exhaust hose, which I control with the exhaust valve from the comfort and safety of my elevator. So all I have to do is open up this valve, that empties the water tank, runs down this hose, which is hooked up to my water sprinkler. So every time I use the elevator, I'm watering my lawn. Now, of course, my final step is to connect my elevator to my ballast. So what I've done here is I've run a heavy rope up here from the water heater, across a couple of pulleys, and of course, I've emptied the tank, so all I've gotta do is lift her up as high as she'll go, and tie off the other end to my elevator. Okay, we're all set to go. I think we should have a dry run without me in it, so does my insurance company. All I have to do is open the intake valve, and let the water go into the tank. [ sound of water filling tank ] [ pulley squeaking ] now I just shut her off. [ pulley squeaking ] [ applause ] okay, now to send her back down, I just open up the exhaust valve drain the water out of the tank. [ water spraying, pulleys squeaking ] and it's just that easy. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. And now if you'll excuse me, I have nowhere to go but up. [ applause ] [ crash ] [ dialing ] hello, 9-1-1? [ cheering and applause ] I've noticed with us middle-aged guys, that as our normal faculties decrease, we pick up superpowers to compensate. Now, I'm not talking about mega-strength, x-ray vision or rubber body parts; although, we do get better at stretching things. No, our superpowers are a lot more subtle than that. First of all, we have invisible guy, the ability to disappear just before the work starts, or right after supper or whenever a relative pulls into the driveway. Then we have snooze-man, the guy who has the powers of concentration, where he can fall asleep on the couch, even though his kids are having a food fight in the next room. But the most powerful weapon we wield is something I call super-innocent face. This is a look that says you had nothing to do with whatever went wrong. Now, don't confuse that with idiot face. Idiot face is a look that says you have no idea what your wife is talking about. That's not a superpower, that's a natural phenomenon. Now, here's the deal, though. The super-innocent face, okay, that's going to fool even the smartest accuser, but it only works for five seconds. And during that five seconds you've got to come up with some kind of dandy excuse. If you don't, you turn into a super anti-hero, who finds his dinner in the fridge and sleeps alone on the porch, a guy we call cold butt boy. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ cheering and applause ] well, I've been pretty stingy with the stuff around the lodge. Now everybody hates me, a whole lot of grumbling going on. It's not easy being the dad; it must be even worse being the mom. Red! Red! We've got it all figured out. Hey! Hey! Hey! Where do you think you're going with that oil drum? Don't worry about it. Take it easy. You'll get your security deposit. Tell him, dalton. Okay, sure. Now, winston's going to drop the flyers out of this oil drum from a plane, right? And in return he's agreed to allow me the once in a lifetime thrill of driving around in the septic truck for the weekend! I can go anywhere I want. Well, you'll be by yourself, dalton. I know! Winston, maybe you can tell me how dalton driving pole position at the windy 500 equates to me getting a security deposit. Well, dalton's agreed to let you have anything from the everything store, any item you want. Just for the weekend. All right, I'll have that grandfather clock you have sitting in your front window. Oh, come on! Relax, dalton. It's just for the weekend. Then I return the oil drum; you'll return the septic truck; and red here returns the grandfather clock. There's the keys to the septic truck. Yep. Tank full? But it'll need some gas. [ laughter ] could you grab the stern line there, dwight? Pretty busy here, red. Oh, man. I see you got yourself a new boat there, red. Yeah, got her second hand. She's in pretty good shape. That's quite the name, though. Suits you. Well, that's why I came in here. You gotta get that off of there for me, dwight. Oh, sure thing, red. You leave it with me. I'll have it done after lunch. Great! All right. See you after lunch then. After lunch on Tuesday. What? I'm up to my eyeballs here, red. Why don't you stand up? Your eyeballs would be higher. See you Tuesday. Oh, man. Well, dwight, still hard at it I see. Boat's all done, red. That'll be 100 bucks, cash. I'll need a receipt. Never mind. I'll just add it to your account. That's what I figured. What's the cardboard on there for, dwight? Oh, just covering up the adhesive residue for a couple of days 'til it all dries up. The cardboard will just fall off. Don't worry about bringing it back. You got the letters of there for sure, huh, dwight? Oh, yeah. Pretty much. Well, as long as it doesn't say thelma's tinkerbell, I'm a happy guy. [ applause ] red: Walter and I are bringing a heavy load back from the hardware store sent him ahead to open the door to the lodge there. But unfortunately I didn't realise that we had locked that, and walter didn't have a key. I wish he'd mentioned this before I picked the box up. All right, here's the keys. Nice catch. All right, so -- what now? Yeah, the key -- you missed -- all right. So we go and look in there. Probably over on the lawn somewhere. [ lawn mower starting ] whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Oh, he's gonna cut the grass and find them. [ sound of metal hitting blades ] oh, there they are. Uh, very helpful. So now we're looking in the longer grass. Walter's got an even better idea. One of those big magnets. I guess the idea is that we turn the juice up, and the keys will just jump right up out of the lawn. [ magnetic buzzing ] yeah, okay. If it works, I'm all for it. Nothing so far. What do you want? Turn her up a bit? All right. [ stronger magnetic buzzing ] this looks better. Whoa! It's got some power to it, doesn't it? Oh, look at this. Look at that. [ red chuckling ] just having a little fun. Yeah, up to high. Snap her in there. What I didn't realise, there's so many metal things around the lodge. Oh, boy, that thing's got some juice to it. Uh-oh! Incoming! There we go. But still no -- still no keys on her there. So we're no further ahead. The lodge is cleaner. Why don't I give her just a little bit more? There we go. There we go. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my golly. Oh, wait a second! Hey, that's good enough for me! Grab the box, walter. [ applause ] men, a day of reckoning is coming, a day when you're going to have to give in to your wife, your neighbours and the local bi-laws. You're gonna have to clean up all that junk in your backyard. Don't worry. I'm here for you. Let me show you what I did. What you really need is a way to clean up your yard without having to throw any of your junk away. Well, have you ever seen those miniature villages? You know those places where they have famous sites from all over the world, but smaller than life size? You can do that too. The eiffel tv tower. [ laughter ] the leaning tires of pisa. [ laughter ] san francisco's broken gate bridge. Toronto skydump, complete with retractable roof. Oh, look, it's a willie nelson concert. And while in egypt, why not pause and wonder at the ancient riddle of the sinks. Finally, top off your journey with a visit to the ancient pyramids of cash your empties. [ applause ] well, she told you to stop for gas. At least 30 times. Yeah, and you would've too. If she hadn't used that voice. Yeah, the voice that turns you into the stubborn petulant nine-year-old who won't stop for gas until the needle's on the other side of "e" and you're on the other side of a 12-lane highway! Now, technically, you're in the wrong. Yes, but emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, by all the rules of manhood, you're 100% right! Now, you could try sprinting across those 12 lanes of death to get to the gas station. Yeah, but are you gonna feel any better as a mac truck hood ornament? No, so here's what you do. You open the hood. It's the international men's symbol for "I screwed up." right. Then you just stand there and look sort of sheepish. Yeah, sooner or later, a husband who knows the code will stop. And he's got an extra can of gas because his wife has made it clear that once was enough. So when you're gassed up, get back in the car and apologize to your wife. Yeah, I know, it's gonna hurt, but you can do it 'cause you know you're right! Not technically right. No, no, no. But in every way that all men will understand. Yeah, then when you get a chance, get some extra gas, put it in the trunk of your car. Yeah, that way you can help out another guy. Yeah, there are millions out there just like you. That's what friends are for. Don't thank us. [ applause ] boy, this grandfather clock is a beauty, isn't it? It's been for sale in dalton's store for as long as I can remember. I've always liked it. Mind you, winston's bringing back the oil drum, which I like too. When that gets here, I'll give him back the clock, or if he doesn't bring it back, I get to keep the clock. So I got a lot of mixed emotions going on here, I tell you. ( sighing ) now, that is a man's truck. Just me, the road and 10,000 gallons of sewage. Dalton, you know the big valve is leaking on the back of that unit, eh? Yeah, no, tailgaters. ( laughing ) [ applause ] say, did winston make his fly-by? You know, today is the day? Well, that may be him right there. Oh, geez. Hey, let's wave at him, huh! You might wanna wash that hand first, dalton. Oh, he's trying to push the oil drum out of the back door. Yeah. He's having a little trouble there. It's the inner tube. It makes it too wide. He's having trouble getting it through the -- push, winston! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! There it goes! Push! Push! Oh, look, it's a buoy. Perfect, right over the lake. Way to go, winston! [ airplane zooming by ] yeah. Hey, dalton? You think the wind is maybe blowing that oil drum off course a little bit? Where'd it go? [ applause ] well, uh, I got my drum back, so you can have the clock. [ possum squealing ] yeah. Meeting time. You go ahead, dalton. I'll be right down. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I learned a life lesson today... If you want the grandfather clock, um, filling a drum with sewage flyers and throwing them out of a plane is not a good way to get it. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheering and applause ] sit down, everybody. Sit down. Sit down. Sit down. You gotta sit down. Sit down, everybody. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Okay, guys, I understand dalton has something he would like to sell. Dalton. Yeah, okay, I'm open to offers on this one. It's a bunch of kindling. It's walnut with a little bit of inlaid mahogany. And it's old, so it'll burn real well, and it keeps excellent time. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com